When Someone You Loved, But Didn’t Like, Dies.

01 Jan When Someone You Loved, But Didn’t Like, Dies.

It’s an unfortunate yet common reality.  Not everyone in your life played fair, right?  Not every Dad was your hero and protector and not every Mom wiped your tears and reminded you of your awesomeness.  Your big brother was too stoned or your twin sister was all things unlike you except for her face. Stupid camouflage.  You spent your lifetime loving someone for their defined role in your life despite them falling short, repeatedly, of what you actually needed from them to feel secure in this world.

You kept up appearances throughout your life believing one of your grand successes was fooling the masses into believing you were a cog in the epitome of a millennium days Waltons family.  The less questions, the better.   Simply because you had no words to explain the truth.

Then they die.  The funeral comes and you are supposed to feel devasted and lost.  You try.  You try hard but in reality, you can’t feel.  Which means you grieve twice.  Once for what you had and lost.  Then again for what you needed, never got….and now, for sure, will never have.  The only person that could fill your always-empty tank of love, acceptance, self-esteem, confidence or belonging is now gone.  That is what you are truly grieving.  That is what you’ve always been grieving.  Now, you grieve that hope you had it would someday come, is gone.  That is your truth. 

Wrong!  There you are standing.  What you haven’t realized is that all that you lacked, you’ve actually found from within you.  The whole “ruby red slippers” phenomenon.  

So how do you handle it?  You stop and acknowledge that through some backwards spin, that person gave you a strength, a perceptive ability and a deeper connection to others.  You are undoubtedly kinder, more intuitive, succinctly aware of like chameleons and quietly appreciative of your new-found freedom.  The only thing left to do is say thank you and understand that not all lessons come with a pretty bow.  You will be fine.  Take some time to cry, to vent, to rage and then move forward leaving your once needed armour behind.